So...don’t you just love it when people start a blog post with the word “So”? It’s like they think they’ve been having a conversation with you but you really just joined in mid-sentence...I was sitting in front of the TV yesterday, in my post-church Sunday stupor (Don’t bug me kids, Momma is watching “Tori and Dean”, go ask Daddy what’s for dinner and yes, you can have 6 girl scout cookies as long as you go eat them in the bonus room and don’t ask me about dinner again) and I flipped over to a documentary called “Freebirthing.”
Freebirthing is essentially a home birth on crack. Pregnant women decide that they are going to give birth the old-fashioned way, completely without medical intervention, and apparently on dirt floors in between butchering chickens and churning butter.
Now, the women who were featured in this documentary had all had bad experiences in their previous hospital births, and have decided logically, that must mean that all medical professionals are evil and out to turn their perfectly beautiful birth experience into a nightmare complete with pain-killers, stitches, and infant resuscitation equipment...I know, the HORROR.
These women actually allowed cameras to follow them to their prenatal appointment at the blood pressure machine in Walmart, the medical supply store to buy surgical scissors and other equipment compiled from a list they found on the internet, and to an infant CPR class “just in case something should go wrong.” I am totally serious...who could make this up?
Now, I am not knocking alternative birthing as a whole. If you want to go the whole all-natural, home birth, midwife route, all the more granola power to you girlfriends. I, on the other hand, loved my hospital births. My doctor asked me if I wanted to stay another day after Steven was born, to which I replied “Uh, yes...I push a button and a nurse shows up to bring me meals served on trays, drugs, change my sheets, help me to the bathroom, AND take the baby if I want a nap. It’s like having my own personal maid. Not to mention, that shower rocks! I can sit and wash my hair all at the same time. What do I have to do to stay until next month?”
But apparently, the freebirthers don’t view the world with the same desire for pampering as I do, and so they give birth in their homes with only their husbands present to help them. One guess on who came up with that idea. I’ll give you a hint...not the husband.
Can you imagine how that conversation started? “So honey, despite the fact that they spend 8+ years and the equivalent cost of our first home on their education, I believe that all the doctors and midwives in the world are really trying to hurt me and our baby, and so we’re gonna’ have this baby here in our living room. But that’s not the best part! You get to catch the baby and be responsible for it’s survival and the ensuing clean up that giving birth entails. Doesn’t that sound delightful?”
Except for one of the poor women in the documentary. Her baby-Daddy left her when she got pregnant with their 3rd child and then 6 months later she “discovered” that she was a lesbian. Of course, she was totally born that way, and it has nothing to do with the absent father in her life and the mistreatment and rejection by every man she has loved. It’s just who she is, right Oprah?
Of course I can’t really do a blog post about weird parenting documentaries, without also bringing up my new favorite reality show “Toddlers & Tiaras”. I just love me some pageant moms. They are a bowl full of crazy. Nothing says “I’ve got a screw loose” like shelling out thousands of dollars to have someone judge your child on facial beauty and swimwear, so you can go home with a $10 crown and sash.
Did you know the average pageant dress costs $1200? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of clothes, make-up, tanning, nails, and lessons. I have a nice little rule when it comes to my daughter’s grooming choices...if it costs more than my clothes, or if it makes her look better than me, it’s a no. That’s just the kind of sacrificial, loving mom I am. The day when she overtakes my looks and figure is coming QUICKLY (have you seen her lately?) and I have no desire to speed up the process.
But that doesn’t stop me from tuning in, in mock horror at the delusional moms who proclaim how much their daughters LOVE pageants and are gaining so much self-confidence and poise. Right...step away from the hairspray and the teasing comb. You’ve seriously lost your grip on reality AND your child, who is throwing the mother-of-all-tantrums because she didn’t get to put on her own lipstick.
The reality is that I secretly would love to lock a freebirther and a pageant mom in a room together. Can you imagine the hysteria that would ensue from those two parenting philosophies colliding? Let’s totally schedule that...just not on a Sunday afternoon, k?
7 comments:
Robin, Robin, Robin. Hilarious post. You know that all the lesbians who have found their way to your blog will never be back.
This post totally made my day. It was way hilarious!!!
I'm sure I haven't made any friends among pageant moms and freebirthers either...
i would attend your parenting seminar any day! sign me up:)
Oh dear Robin...If you ever want to know more about this process and the other birth options out there lmk! Woman have been birthing for centuries without help-it's amazing how God made us this way! I know MANY woman who birth at centers, home w midwives, home by themselves and some who have gone to remote destinations w a midwive to birth in special oceans! EVERY one of these woman have done extensive research about birthing and their bodies. The majority of these type of woman are the sort that literally spend their free time reading nothing but literature on the female body, birth and other such related education. So I'm not so sure they are making ignorant choices.
I do think it's great to have doctors-God had really given them a skill-but I think it's the mothers choice-and as long as it's an educated one it's ok! That being said-of course I still love ya-but I think this post was sort of judgemental and perhaps a wee bit uninformed. xo
Jamie, I'm glad you still love me, and please know this post was meant to be tongue-in-cheek and funny, not a criticism or even a commentary of natural childbirth.
That being said, I am not uninformed about alternate birthing methods (I've birthed 2 babies and did extensive research on home births, bradley method, lamaze, birthing centers, water births, etc. for both of them.) And as I said in my post, I'm not critical of any of those methods. But clearly freebirthing is on the fringe of those methods. The women followed in this documentary completely rejected any advice but their own. One woman figured out that she had a VERY low-lying placenta and even though a midwife told her how dangerous it was for her to give birth unassisted and offered to be available to her, the woman rejected the help offered to her. I find that irresponsible.
Yes, women have given birth without help for 1,000s of years, but they also used to die, a lot, and so did their babies. Thank goodness I didn't forgo any medical advice during my pregnancies, because I wouldn't have known I was RH- and my babies were RH+. My grandmother who was a labor and delivery nurse in the '50's said they used to watch helplessly as those babies slowly died. A simple shot saved Steven from being one of those babies.
We are living in the best time to have babies, with all of the advances in medicine, and the range of choices in how and where we give birth, and even the ressurgance of natural birthing, but I also believe a little bit of medical intervention, be it from a midwife, doctor, nurse, or even an experienced doula goes a long way toward a healthy baby and mother. Isn't that ultimately the goal?
This was good! Totally enjoyed reading this and the comments!
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